12 things to do at a company banquet

Not that I've done any of these...:

• Obtain seat closest to bar and food. 
• Obtain table far enough away from bosses' table
• Make sure you have good tablemates, i.e. ones that will not report your behavior.
• Check contents of hip flask. 
• Bogart all needed butter, condiments. 
• Obtain location of afterparty. 
• Be sure to obtain enough food/drink to last you through after-dinner speechmaking. 
• Discreetly pull out, distribute boss speech bingo cards. 
• Snort loudly, just once. 
• Attempt to keep eye rolling to a minimum; allow spouse to kick you under table, if necessary. 
• Count blessings that company has lasted another year to have another party. 
• Recheck/refill contents of hip flask. 

Have a good weekend!