A Chemjobber Christmas tradition

A Chemjobber Christmas tradition, updated for 2022. Send a PDF to your family - try it, it works! 

December 21, 2022

Dear family member:

This holiday season, your relative is in his or her fifth/sixth/seventh/_______ year of graduate school in chemistry. This is a delicate time in your students’ lives -- please make interactions smooth for all by following these simple suggestions:

1. Please supply lots of fresh fruit and vegetables -- they are in short supply. 

2. Do not offer pizza, which is an all-too-common part of their diets. 

3. Sleep is a rare commodity in graduate school; please turn down sheets and fluff pillows. Be prepared to see them about 24 hours after they get home.
   
   

In attempting to communicate with your graduate student, please avoid asking the following questions: 

1. When are you going to finish? 

2. What can you do with your degree? 

3. Will you be the kind of doctor that helps people? 

4. Can you connect my phone to our WiFi? 

5. How about a startup? I hear the Metaverse is hot. 

6. There's a clinical chemistry department at my hospital -- can you get a job there? 

7. Why do you need a postdoc? Haven't you gone to enough school? 

8. Do you know Elizabeth Holmes?

9. MEGABIOGENE has opened a facility nearby -- can you get a job there?  

10. Have you thought about artificial intelligence? 

11. I see [insert high school rival here] has finished medical school -- how much will they be
    making? 

12. Can ChatGPT write your thesis?  

13. Have you thought about teaching? I heard professors have a stable job. 

14. When are you going to finish? 

In following these simple suggestions, I trust that you, your graduate student and your family will have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Very sincerely,

Chemjobber