Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Too funny, too true

I'm enjoying the new chemistry blog C&EN Onion -- they're a lot funnier than I am these days. I hope they keep it up:
Congress: NIH Funding To Be Distributed Via Cage Fighting
(Washington, D.C.) In a rare showing of strong bi-partisan support, landmark bill S. 2651 entitled the "Investigational Combatant Funding Reappropriation Act" has passed through the United States Senate and been signed into law by President Obama.  "My fellow Americans, today marks an important milestone in our collective history," President Obama began, "with the enacting of this bill, federal funding for health-related research will be distributed in the fairest way possible -- by physical combat." 
Under the provisions of the bill, principal investigators at academic institutions are permitted to select a champion from their respective research groups to do battle in tournament-style cage fights.  Funding will be distributed according to placement in regional tournaments, with winners receiving coveted R01 grants. 
At press time, UFC light heavyweight champion Jon "Bones" Jones had assembled a team of sought-after post-docs and graduate students.
I'd think physical combat (classic UFC 1-5 rules) would be fair, although if I were a PI, I'd be quibbling about the size of the relevant ring (heptagon? nonagon?)


  1. No, the ring should be a hexagon with barbed wire on 3 of the sides. Named after Kekulé, of course.

    1. Unless it was rotating the barbed wire would have to circle the hexagon if wish to be cite Kekule. Perhaps can add a ring of venomous snakes to enhance the image.

  2. It sounds a lot like this article from the Onion:,2920/

  3. I could only support this if the combat was accompanied by that fight music from Star Trek.

  4. Tyrion LannisterJuly 17, 2014 at 9:11 AM

    I know I'll get no justice from this pool of peer reviewers, so I will let the gods decide my fate. I demand review by combat.