Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Chemjobber’s Conditions For Becoming Chemistry Jobs Czar

Spotted in a spam folder somewhere:

Chemjobber’s Conditions For Becoming Chemistry Jobs Czar
  1. Office in Midland, MI
  2. Walk-in privileges with the CEOs of Dow, DuPont, Pfizer, Merck and Novartis
  3. Full professor rank - at highest pay level for faculty
  4. Staff of 12 people (3 labor economists, 3 research analysts, 1 scheduler, 3 social media people, 1 beer assistant, 1 organizer of blue dress shirts) 
  5. CEOs of major chemistry employers sits down individually with Chemistry Jobs Czar and tells their HR people to follow the directive of the Chemistry Jobs Czar without delay, subject to doing anatomically impossible things in cases of disagreement
  6. 24/7 access to either a private jet or a lifetime supply of Glenfiddich
  7. Ability to spend weekends in Bozeman, Montana with family on way from chemistry career fairs
  8. Security detail if deemed necessary after security review.
  9. Serve as the face of chemistry employment policy - the principal spokesman on television and social media
  10. Promise by November 1, 2019, Congress will ratify CJ Chemjobber to be Secretary of Labor, unless Chemjobber wishes to continue in Czar position

8 comments:

  1. Isn't DuPow now one company, with one CEO? Or is the sender anticipating Pfizer buying all the others? [shudder]

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  2. Glenfiddich or a private jet? that's like saying lifetime supply of Miller Lite or 24/7 access to a Ferrari 458.

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  3. 9* Serve as face of chemistry employment policy without having to actually show one's face

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  4. I lived in Midland and it is nice but seems like an odd choice here. Unless you already live there. :)

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  5. Why is Pfizer even on this list? They Pfired pretty much all of the chemists, and only kept enough for appearance's sake to justify high drug prices because "we spend it on R&D."

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  6. Please embrace the power of "AND" in #6. (Though I prefer Tomatin 18 over Glenfiddich)

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    Replies
    1. I'll have a scotch on the rocks, please. Any scotch will do, as long as it's not a blend, of course. single malt, Glen Livet, Glen Galley, perhaps, any glen.

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