|Xerxes attending the whipping of the HPLC|
(based on painting from Wikipedia)
Xerxes the project manager flew into a rage at this, and he commanded that the HPLC be struck with three hundred strokes of the whip and that a pair of foot-chains be attached to its pump. He also commanded the analysts to speak outlandish and arrogant words: "You hateful instrument, our master lays his judgment on you thus, for you have unjustly punished the team even though we have done you no wrong and performed our necessary preventative maintenance! Xerxes the project manager will succeed, whether you wish it or not! It is fitting that no chemist offer you sacrifices, for you are a faithless tool!"
In these ways he commanded that the HPLC be punished and also that the heads be severed from all those who led the project subgroups.
(Parody of a translation of Herodotus.)