Friday, March 7, 2014

11 ways John Lechleiter and friends would approach America's clown shortage

If only people knew how fun it was to drive one of these.
Credit: bluecheddar.net
You may not know this, but apparently America has a clown shortage.* Here is how I imagine corporate CEOs and PR flacks might approach this crisis:

1. Clowns are vital to our national security.
2. There are 14,000,000 unfilled positions for clowns -- these are very mobile, high paying jobs!
3. Who will win the War for Clown Talent?
4. American youth is just not as zany as the youth of past generations of clowns -- it's all those iPads and iPhones.
5. By having insufficient clowns, we are depriving future generations of laughter and joy.
6. Do you know what the median starting salary for clowns is? I have a study that says that it's over $125,000. That, my friends, is a shortage.
7. America is being out-funnied by our international competitors.
8. Our education system just doesn't value clowning in K-12 -- it really needs to do better.
9. Congress needs to subsidize the production of clowns by founding the National Clown Centers of Excellence.
10. We need to make clowning more fun and more hands-on.
11. We should never, ever, ever raise wages for clowns.

Have a great weekend!

10 comments:

  1. There is no clown shortage - plenty can be found in Washington DC!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are directing your recommendations to our industry's number 1 clown, right?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Clowns must be planning a world takeover, we have them here as well and there are 7 at the top. This is definitely worrying.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Actually, I know a guy who got his PhD in organic chemistry, then went to become a clown a clown in some country in former Yugoslavia. I think he went to clown school before he started his PhD though during an after undergrad 'finding myself' Europe trip, and his wife was from the region that he met during the said trip, so it was easy for him to make the transition after putting in the time to publish some Andjewandtes to make his boss look good in 'progress in science, etc...'

    Well, was that ever a waste of resources invested in future chemists. Another guy I know from that group just went to South America for a one year trip after his PhD and disappeared, as far as I know. I'm sure the funding agencies are pleased since publishable research came out of all that. Just needed some disposable grad students who become clowns or a future Che to do it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Being a UF alumni, I always have to point out the following when the clown shortage is mentioned...http://heritage.fsu.edu/publications/reprint1952-03-31life-01.html..."Florida State University is the one academic institution in the U.S. where it is possible to get college credit for being a clown."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can clowns get tenure? (gr)

      Delete
  6. You forgot the critical need to increase the visa quota for clowns so America can stay competitive until domestic production ramps up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! My favorite of the bunch.

      Delete
  7. The Government should open up the Strategic Clown reserve to increase supply.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is that a reference to Congress?

      Delete