Thursday, April 1, 2021

Professor Who Fed Graduate Student into Woodchipper Reprimanded

(CJ Press) In an unsurprising turn of events, a professor who stuffed a graduate student into a woodchipper was not fired by his university. The University Office of Impotent Investigations sent two reports to Professor F.M. Jones and the chair of the Department of Chemistry. The reports say the preponderance of evidence shows that Professor Jones did indeed tell a graduate student that he deserved to be fertilizer, and that he then picked up the student and forced him into a running woodchipper feet first. A separate letter sent to administrators by UOII recommended they fire Professor Jones for mistreatment of university property.

After deciding not to fire Professor Jones, the dean of the College of Science sent him a letter sanctioning him for his woodchipping ways. Professor Jones lost his position as the head of the university’s Center for Abattoir Excellence and cannot supervise undergraduates and graduate students for 6 months. 

According to sources, university administration and department heads had differing opinions about the facts of the case, whether the graduate student felt pain as they were pulled into the woodchipper, whether it mattered that Professor Jones rendered a human being into a puddle of flesh, as well as whether firing was an appropriate punishment for this lapse in judgment. In the end, both the dean of the College of Science and the department chair decided differently than the UOII. 

“A simple punishment, like firing, which students often think is what you should do, is not always the right thing. That’s why there are different punishments for different crimes,” the administrator says. “I think that is one of those very tricky cases” in which it wasn’t clear whether Professor Jones should be fired.


  1. Remarkably, all animosity towards Professor Jones has faded since it has come to light that his Twitter account has many tweets adorned with #MentalHealthAwareness and #InThisTogether.

  2. Since the investigation took so long, I heard the survived student (miraculously) now is a PI after postdoc at a Top 5 institute. He ended up inheriting the woodchipper and brought it out every year during the group retreat that doubles as a performance evaluation


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