1. The solvent bottles refill themselves.
2. Your coworkers clean up after themselves and offer to clean your things, too.
3. The HPLCs are always working, and the lines are clog free.
4. There are no bump bulbs on the rotovaps, because there is no bumping.
5. Everyone has their own stool, and no one's ever stealing yours.
6. Columns packing doesn't require tapping or waiting and elute cleanly.
7. You can't overshoot a titration.
8. There's always plenty of buffer solution, and you never have to make more.
9. Glassware puts itself back in the drawer.
10. The stopcocks on separatory funnels are easy to turn and don't ever fill up with salts.
11. There is no queue for the NMR.
In Hell's chemistry lab:
1. There is no solvent, anywhere, not even in your labmate's bench. You fill your flask straight from the drum.
2. Running a reaction always requires reaching into the base bath for glassware.
3. There's one HPLC and the line goes around the block.
4. You have to keep your thumb on the rotovap stopcock to hold vacuum.
5. You stand and you stand and you stand.
6. Columns? What columns? It's prep TLC, all day, all night. Scrape, scrape, scrape
7. There is no endpoint for titrations.
8. All your labmates have bad breath and like to stand really, really close to you. Danger close, even.
9. Every single round bottom has a nervous-making star crack.
10. All you have is a 25 mL sep funnel with a 29/42 neck. Good luck finding a stopper.
Thanks to Leigh for the inspiration.