2. Random full professors are promoted to emeritus
3. Alcohol prohibition
4. Stoning for plagiarists, fabulists
5. K-101 grants for in-laboratory kegerator
6. Ask 10 good questions at seminar? 1 chapter shaved off thesis.
7. Employment outcome tracking of alumni for 10-15 years
8. Random associate professors become postdocs
9. Mandatory tequila shots for committee before candidacy exams
10. Issue every new grad student helmet/face shield for lab safety, head-mounted camera for ethics monitoring
11. Mandatory tap-dancing/jazz hands training for job talks
12. The Oprah solution: "You get tenure! And you get tenure!"