Northrop Grumman, NIH Fly First Sensor-Equipped Lab Falcon Drone For Detection of Time Wasting

Professor Slavedriver holding LAB FALCON
Credit: sUAS News

(FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE): Northrop Grumman and NIH together achieved a major milestone with the first full system test flight of the LAB FALCON indoor unmanned aircraft system (UAS) equipped with the signals intelligence (SIGINT) advanced sensors for detection of insufficiently working undergraduates, graduate students and postdoctoral fellows.

The LAB FALCON took off at 10:36 a.m. Central Standard Time from Professor Hardass Slavedriver's office and climbed to a ceiling of 15 feet within Slavedriver-controlled labspace, far above and at a safe distance from bench worker countermeasures. During its six hours aloft, the LAB FALCON spotted 3 workers playing Counterstrike, 2 playing Farmville and one unauthorized viewing of the blog Chemjobber. The UAS offers principal investigators the capability to view, assess and if deemed necessary, neutralize such time-wasting activities with its onboard cameras, lasers and Hellfire missiles.

"This successful flight demonstrates the LAB FALCON program's systems integration capabilities and cutting-edge technologies. NIH pays for all of this extramural funding, and we cannot take any chances that our money is not resulting 110% commitment to work, work, work at the bench," said Dr. Arrr Oh-Wan, program manager at NIH for the LAB FALCON program.

LAB FALCON is planned for deployment to all NIH-funded facilities, with PIs receiving flight training within the year. Northrup Grumman has already received multiple inquiries from PIs for additional armaments to LAB FALCON.

Parody of this press release.