Friday, March 8, 2013

Obituary: Miss Glass Funnel, unknown age

4 inch Glass Funnel (unknown - March 6, 2013): Glass Funnel was born in a Glass Factory, one of several million of her siblings. She immigrated to the R&D laboratory of Forest City Chemicals where she was used in a variety of interesting projects for many years, including additions to graduated cylinders, Erlenmeyer flasks and 3-neck round bottom flasks. Towards the end of her life, Miss Funnel spent most of her time with Mr. HPLC Mobile Phase Bottle; they had a most profitable relationship. Her favorite activity was resting on her cone, watching the chemists struggle with the balky HPLC. Unfortunately, Miss Funnel met her end during a recent addition of acetonitrile to Mr. Bottle, while she was resting on his neck.

Miss Funnel is survived by her friend, Miss 4 Inch Plastic Funnel, whom she enjoyed playing bridge with in the Funnel Drawer. She is lying in repose in the glass waste container. She is deeply missed by Chemjobber, who was also the cause of her demise.

A memorial service will be held in the Funnel Drawer this Saturday afternoon at 2 pm.

10 comments:

  1. CJ: Try the plastic funnel! She has been serving me without complaint, gee, don't know how long! You will like her too and a decision you will not regret!

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  2. Ms. Plastic Funnel is a cheap hussie who has God-knows-what leaching out of her spout hole.

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  3. Upon hearing of Ms. Funnel's demise, her friends Messrs. Pasteur Pipettes went all to pieces.

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  4. ".. where she was used in a variety of interesting projects..."

    CJ, you insensitive clod....I can't believe that you'd use her like that. I figured you a better man. Evidently chivalry is truly dead at Forest City Chemicals

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  5. My Ms. Funnel will have one day in her obituary "She enjoyed her privacy" which is a code for "she was utterly promiscuous but managed to live her numerous affairs with certain decorum"

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  6. Often found inserted inside Miss Glass Funnel was Wilstatter Nail. Since the demise of Miss Glass Funnel his whereabouts are unknown.

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  7. In tribute to Ms. Funnel, the remaining members of the Funnel Bridge Club will refrain from weak two-bids with less than six of the bid suit and no honors for 1 (one) week. In lieu of flowers, drawer members would appreciate donations to Corning and the ACBL in honor of Ms. Funnel.

    Also, the Forest City Funnel Bridge Club is looking for a new member. Applicants should be impermeable to all common HPLC solvents and additives, have minimal or no leachable plasticizers, and should have had no relapses into crack bidding for at least the past 6 (six) months. Please send applications to the Funnel Bridge Club, Forest City Chemicals Stockroom, Forest City, Somewhere, USA.

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  8. Somewhere, USA? Hey, Ms. Funnel and I lived in the same town!

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  9. I'll add a word for all the Glass Stoppers brothers who courageously popped during resting after a work-up exercise.

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  10. What would the story be like if Lou Reed told it?

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