Friday, December 19, 2014

A Chemjobber holiday tradition

A new edition for a new year. Print out and send to your family -- it works!

12 comments:

  1. A Christmas classic. Shall print out and send to my family, albeit retroactively.
    Maybe next year you can compose one for those starting their first jobs out of grad school, in which one of the questions asked could be: "How big was your signing bonus, again?" [crickets]

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's kind of depressing how just a few years ago I thought this was funny; now it hits to close too home... :-X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Forget it, I keep trying to fix the dang typo and I just make it worse. Swap the "to" and "too" in your minds... Autocorrect is smoking crack this morning

      Delete
  4. 13. I saw on the news/ read on the internet about someone making lots of money with 3D-printed graphene nano hype. Why don't you go into that?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Be interesting to have a pharma pending layoff edition....

    Dear family member,
    Your loved one who works in pharma/chemical giant will be visiting you this holiday season. Please do not bring up the following questions:
    1) I hear MEGAPHARMALAND is laying off in your region. You are really smart, so your job must be safe right?
    2) Are there a lot of companies hiring in your town? Hey! Now you can finally move to [rural home town] and be by us! Look the news paper says hospital needs lab tech and mines need a chemist to run water quality. You could do those jobs right?
    3) Then what will you do with your x million dollar house that Suzie needed to get into a modest school district?
    4) Well you must have a lot of savings, right? You went to school so long they must have paid you the big bucks?
    5) Why do drugs cost so much?
    6) Why are pharma companies so greedy?
    7) Well my little blue pills cost x/month. Why would they need to lay you off?
    8) Why do evil companies release drugs which are unsafe? I saw a commericial that a whole lot of people got [side effect] and [big law firm] is going to let those greedy pharma bastards have it!
    9) What else can you do with your degree?
    10) Can you get your sibling/cousin/etc a job?
    11) What are you going to wear to interviews? Your clothes look so outdated!
    12) How many interviews have you gotten?
    13)... Well how many resumes have you sent out?
    14) What's wrong with your resume? Send it to [big business tycoon high school nemesis]. They know how to find a good job.
    15) Why would MEGAPHARMALAND divest what you are working in? That is a huge business!
    16) I am sure you will be fine. Things have always came so easy for you. You always were such a good test taker. Why don't you help your [sibling with GPA<3.0] get a job in [field that pays more than yours]? [Sibling] is somewhat unhappy that they only have x direct reports at their current job you helped them get.
    17) Why do you have deep frown lines?
    18) When are you going to get married?
    19) When are you going to give me grandchildren?
    20) You have moved around so much for your jobs! When are you going to settle down and start your real life?
    21) Why do you keep checking your work computer? Don't you love your family?
    22) Why don't you move to [completely unrelated division of company]. They have a lot of sales and profit.
    23) Why did the stock go down?
    24) Well why does MEGAPHARMALAND break layoff news every Christmas/Thanksgiving/January?

    If you want your industrial chemist to have a Merry Christmas you should avoid these questions.

    Cheers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 25) I just made 10K on my biotech stock portfolio. Why would you have any trouble finding a job? In fact MEGAPHARMALAND was a leader in my portfolio. They are probably just cutting the 'deadwood' right?

      Delete
  6. Why is this labeled as ''FUN''?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think having a similar letter for a recently laid off family member or friend would also be very fruitful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What questions would you suggest, Ash?

      Delete
  8. The sad thing is, I still believed #7 and #11 (the ones about getting a job at MEGABIOGENE or becoming a professor) when I started grad school.

    ReplyDelete