Wednesday, June 29, 2016

"Dow Announces Actions To Pee On Your Leg, Tell You It's Raining"

Dow Announces Actions to Drive Economic Growth in Great Lakes Bay Region 
MIDLAND, Mich. – June 28, 2016 – The Dow Chemical Company (NYSE: DOW) announced today a series of actions it will take in collaboration with several state and local economic development and community organizations to spur local employment and bring additional economic development to the Great Lakes Bay Region (GLBR). These actions are intended to help offset the impacts from restructuring measures Dow will implement to enable faster and more efficient growth of Dow Corning’s Silicones business....
It's only down below that you get the gist of what they are saying (emphasis mine):
As a result of the Company’s global workforce reduction targets announced today, approximately 700 roles in the GLBR will be eliminated from the combined companies. These reductions will come from both Dow and Dow Corning, and are part of Dow’s overall cost reduction efforts related to the transaction. 
Notifications to affected employees in the Great Lakes Bay Region will start in the coming weeks, and will continue through the end of the third quarter of 2016. Roles will be eliminated on various timetables throughout the two-year integration period.
Here's press coverage from the Wall Street Journal and also C&EN's Alex Tullo. Here's a few other ways I could imagine rewording the headline for this press release:
  1. Dow Announces Actions For Employees To Spend More Time With Their Children
  2. Dow Announces Actions To Enrich Shareholders At All Costs
  3. Dow Announces Actions For Scientists To Consider Bold New Alternative Careers
  4. Dow Announces Actions To Help Employees Work For Themselves, Yay! 
  5. Dow Announces Actions To Create Hundreds More Independent Chemicals Consultants
  6. Dow Announces Actions To Reinvigorate Bored Michigan Area Unemployment Offices
Your turn! 

Can we just say for a moment how offensive it is that the press release can't even say "we're laying off 700 employees" or "we're firing 700 people", but "700 roles"? Corporate America has refined the euphemism to a Michelangelo-like artform. 


  1. The Iron ChemistJune 29, 2016 at 1:49 PM

    Don't you see? They have to eliminate jobs to make them!

  2. I really like the title of the post and offer poor alternative:
    "Chemical Giant restructuring announcement continues spread of Dow Manure"

  3. "Dow Announces Actions To Create 700 Trump Voters in Perennial Swing State"

  4. "Synergy Capture", "Unlocking shareholder value", and "Cost Synergy" are additional euphemisms that really mean "We're gonna fire some folks. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" ::smh::

  5. Dow management has realized that the company is run so badly that workers are going to be much more productive anywhere else. So firing people can only increase economic growth.

  6. In further news, it was reported that several Dow communications personnel were seen running down the street after the news conference with their pants on fire.

    See also

  7. Management votes "leave" on Dowxit.

    Management to 700 "roles":
    Na na na na
    Na na na na
    Hey hey hey

    Dow to produce 700 sacrificial financial anodes.

    Dow to GLBR Community:
    We're sorry it went down like this, but someone had to lose
    It's the nature of the business, it's the downsizer's blues

  8. CJ: I'm getting a 404 page cannot be found message when I click that Dow link. A visit to the Dow news page ( does not show that press release. There is one that is very similar but the wording is different. Did they retract the one you cite and replace it with another that is titled slightly less stupidly?

    1. Huh, odd. Worked for me, just now.

    2. CJ: Tried again on another device and it indeed worked. I dunno. Thanks, though, just when I thought my mind couldn't get any more boggled this one comes along.