Monday, April 1, 2013

2033 ACS Salary Survey results reported: 0% employment

323% increase in ACS member salary also notable

By Chemjobber

As of April 1, 2033, 0% of American Chemical Society members were unemployed, the lowest level recorded since 2016, when ACS unemployment dipped into the negative numbers, according to the society's Membership & Scientific Advancement Division (M&SA). What's more, the median salary for American Chemical Society members rose this year by 323%.

This remarkable lack of unemployment and incredible increase in member salaries is likely due to the American Chemical Society's single remaining member, Phil Baran. Some background: then-Professor Baran announced his surprise retirement on April 1, 2020 and subsequently decided to work for JohnsonMerckDuPont, the sole remaining chemical-pharmaceutical conglomerate after the Chemistry Wars of 2018. By 2023, advancements in productivity such as robotic medicinal chemistry instruments and other advances in telepathically-controlled lab assistant animals meant that all other chemists were unnecessary. After Dr. Baran fully mastered telekinesis and cross-species mental communication in 2027 (excepting the unfortunate 2025 attack from WuXi chemists, armed with wooden shoes), walking papers were given to the remaining 3 chemists at JMDP.

During his time at JMDP, Dr. Baran has pioneered 34 new molecular entities, including the world's first Roentgenium-based anti-bladder cancer treatment. Also, he has been instrumental in using his telepathically-controlled laboratory monkeys to singlehandedly revive the art of natural products total synthesis in the pharmaceutical industry.

The unemployment picture is very bright for the sole remaining ACS member, according to the 2033 Comprehensive Employment and Salary Survey. Unemployment for B.S. and M.S. members is at 0% and employment for Ph.D. chemists is at 100%.

Due to the increasing costs of publication, ACS membership dues will continue to rise. 2034 dues are set to increase 10% to 2.5 million dollars. Unemployed members can continue to apply for a two year dues waiver.


  1. I, for one, welcome our new telepathic synthetic overlord.

  2. Unstable IsotopeApril 1, 2013 at 3:55 PM

    If I had telepathic powers, I'd probably not be working. I'd be sitting in on board meetings and then playing in the stock market.

  3. Phil is writing books now too. Telekinesis and lab monkeys can't be too far away.