Friday, April 8, 2016

Public Breakup Hilarious to Employees, Competitors

NEW YORK, NY - The breakup of Pfizer and Allergan, which occurred publicly on April 4, left thousands of employees and competitors gleefully amused.

“There's nothing funny about this situation—except everything," said Pfizer's longtime rival Merck. "They were a terrible couple and never should've been together in the first place. They had nothing in common, other than loneliness and delight in generating fees for investment bankers. Not that I'd ever say that to their faces.”

Pfizer and Allergan met two years ago on Wall Street, where they embarked on their ill-fated affair with a drunken kiss in a Manhattan parking garage, ending six-month dry spells in mergers and acquisitions for each of them.

Jack Lew, a mutual friend of the couple, was one of several witnesses to the abrupt and hostile public disintegration of Pfizer and Allergan’s torrid-but-strained romantic entanglement.

 "A group of us went out for drinks at the Auld Dubliner [pub]," Lew stated. "I thought we were all having a good time until Pfizer got offended at some joke Allergan made about un-American tax codes. She pouted and glowered at him like a sulking 6-year-old until she could no longer contain her rage. Then she started screaming that he was a bargain basement cheapskate who couldn’t pay for her Botox.”

“After they made a scene and spilled their drinks,” Lew continued, “the last thing she said before she stomped out was that she didn’t want to move all her stuff to Ireland anyway. The whole incident would have been uncomfortable if it hadn’t been so funny. We all suspected their relationship was based more on shared interests in financial shenanigans and tax avoidance than on love."

Allergan was said to have stayed at the bar and ordered another drink. Rumors abound that Allergan has been cavorting with several other partners, including U.K. resident Heptares, behind Pfizer’s back. Hours after his breakup with Pfizer, Allergan and Heptares were seen making out in in a restaurant in Welwyn Garden City.

“Who needs Pfizer?” Allergan told his close friend, AstraZeneca. “Brits are much more fun.”

with apologies to the Onion
by Chemjobber and co-author


  1. Allergan was just the rebound after being spurned by AZ.

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