Friday, August 14, 2015

Scientists Invent Bottleneck-Destroying Machine

CAMBRIDGE, Where Else? (Chemjobber News) It sounds like something out of Medicine Man, but it's true. In a study published today in the journal Science, researchers have announced the discovery of the "Holy Grail" of chemistry: a machine that eliminates bottlenecks.

Textbooks will need to be shredded as the research challenges the long-held notion that bottles require necks, or that any container requires a narrower opening.

"The findings truly are astounding," said lead author of the paper, Professor Jones. "It's taken a lot of hard work and long nights in the lab, but I'm glad that this work is finally out there. We have destroyed all known bottlenecks. They're gone. That Diet Coke bottle you had in your office? Get it within two feet of our machine and it'll be a cup. Aldrich 4 liter bottles are gonna be jars from here on out."

The scientists' work is a silver bullet for a problem known to many people around the globe who hate the "glug-glug" of pouring things and is the key to unlocking a mystery that paves the way for research in this emerging interdisciplinary field, namely how to possibly get funding in a 13% payline world.

The breakthrough is sure to be heralded as good news for managers who love to prattle on about "de-bottlenecking". But some will be asking questions about the need for this research in our increasingly open-top, all-access society.

Dr. Smith, who was not involved with the research, says that the results are "intriguing" but there is not yet enough information to draw any conclusions. "Surely Congress or the Pentagon has some bottlenecks remaining," he added.

Come up with your own science story here at Buzzfeed. (Okay, so this one's a little embellished.) 


  1. The Peanut Butter Industry Association immediately filed suit for patent infringement, claiming their peanut butter jar patent predates this work.

  2. In unrelated news, the H.J. Heinz Company held an emergency meeting Thursday. Reportedly among the topics discussed were reductions in container size to reduce the impact on sales of having between 0.5 and 11 oz. per bottle suddenly made newly available to the consumer, and increases in product viscosity so as to counter the absence of a bottleneck. "First McDonalds and now this," moaned an executive. "This could screw up our merger with Kraft." The executive, who asked to remain anonymous, admitted a large amount of Heinz's annual profits are predicated on consumers not being able to get at a portion of the contents of each bottle. When it was pointed out that an increase in viscosity would not be able to counter the prospect of consumers removing ketchup from de-bottlenecked containers through an obscure process called 'spooning out,' the executive buried his head in his hands and muttered something that sounded like, "Oh tempura, oh morays," perhaps alluding to both an emerging market product formulation and a specialty tartar sauce.

    Marketing specialist Imah Johnson pondered the impact on consumer habits and health. "Our customers are used to spanking that glass," he said, in desperate and frequently unsuccessful attempts to get ketchup out of the bottle. "Sometimes that's the only exercise they get. Either that or they take a knife and stick it up in there." Johnson reflected further on the loss of entertainment value from de-bottlenecking. "Sometimes the ketchup suddenly rushes out of the bottle and just drowns all the food, or sometimes it comes out in a great splat and showers all over everything. It's moments like that that make me believe in my product."

  3. Professor Jones noted that after necks were removed from solvent bottles many members of the undergraduate jogging organization, the Huffers, have asked to be lab helpers.

  4. Meanwhile, tens of thousands of industrial engineers began to contemplate life without problematic queues, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among process flow consultants, who saw their chances for retirement fade far, far away.