Textbooks will need to be shredded as the research challenges the long-held notion that bottles require necks, or that any container requires a narrower opening.
"The findings truly are astounding," said lead author of the paper, Professor Jones. "It's taken a lot of hard work and long nights in the lab, but I'm glad that this work is finally out there. We have destroyed all known bottlenecks. They're gone. That Diet Coke bottle you had in your office? Get it within two feet of our machine and it'll be a cup. Aldrich 4 liter bottles are gonna be jars from here on out."
The scientists' work is a silver bullet for a problem known to many people around the globe who hate the "glug-glug" of pouring things and is the key to unlocking a mystery that paves the way for research in this emerging interdisciplinary field, namely how to possibly get funding in a 13% payline world.
The breakthrough is sure to be heralded as good news for managers who love to prattle on about "de-bottlenecking". But some will be asking questions about the need for this research in our increasingly open-top, all-access society.
Dr. Smith, who was not involved with the research, says that the results are "intriguing" but there is not yet enough information to draw any conclusions. "Surely Congress or the Pentagon has some bottlenecks remaining," he added.
Come up with your own science story here at Buzzfeed. (Okay, so this one's a little embellished.)